Fingers & Thumbs

You meet a lot of people in the oilfield, the old hands who've seen it all, done it all and lost various parts of their body in different countries. I would say you get to meet people and shake their hands, but you never know how much of a handful you're getting. I've worked with one guy we called Kit-Kat and worse was the poor sod known as Twix. Mind you, that's better than earning yourself the name of "Mittens".

Hand's Up, who wants to be a welder?

Today was my turn to do a big safety audit at one of our plants, which meant 3.5 hours of walking around a very dusty mill in 40 deg C funshine. I really felt sorry for the poor guys who work there, but then it's always good to see people whose work puts your own joy into perspective.

I managed to find between 30-40 safety issues to bring up, which is about what I'd expected. During the inspection of the welding area, I noticed the welder had on a wedding ring. I explained to him how he needed to remove it and that he didn't want to risk an injury known as "de-gloving" (I'd advise not googling images of that. Seriously, I feel nauseous now.) which can be caused by wearing rings. After all, I asked, he wanted to keep all of his fingers didn't he ? Turns out it was too late for that and he showed me his other hand, or what was left of it. He'd he stuck it in a screw conveyor at the same plant, some ten years previously.
Well, you have to laugh , don't you ?

Wear In The World

As previously commented upon, oil and gas have a tendency to be produced by countries that would struggle to attract any revenue from the tourism industry. And when an "attractive" destination does receive nature's double blessing/curse, the oil is always in the ugly bits.

Exhibit A: UK- Aberdeen, Dundee, Great Yarmouth
Exhibit B: Indonesia - Balikpapan, Irian Jaya
Exhibit C: Thailand - Sattahip, Songkhla

My opinion is based on first hand experience and I can attest to the fact that although Thailand is my second home and my favourite country, crew changing out of Sattahip at 2 am is the closest thing to CIA extradition that I ever want to experience. It was made much worse by the fact they breathalysed you before they'd let you on the crew boat. And it was the reason why we self administered Xanax, Dormicum and other date rape drugs before we got on the boat for the 8-12 hr trip to the rig. Better to risk drowning due to unconsciousness in the unlikely event of a sinking, than experience the guaranteed group vomiting of 60 Thai workers, infamous for the instability of their sea legs.

So with my imminent departure (69 days, but who's counting ?) from my current location and having heard there are a couple of possible options, of which unemployment is included, I've drawn up a list of  the most likely candidates for my next destination - a sort of sweep stake. Play along at home if you wish...

1. Algeria (rotational, not a bad deal - they speak two foreign languages, 1 of which is french but they speak it grudgingly not arrogantly)
2. Dubai (live in, £6 a pint!And full of smug gits in flash cars. And no hardship bonus as the only hardship is the price of beer. Good Thai food though.)
3. Angola (rotational. Proper, traditional oil field place. A bit wild west, could be great fun like Azerbaijan was 15 years ago)
4. Libya (rotational. 6 months of Nato bombing might have brought it into the 20th Century)
5. Oman (live in. Apparently a bit Judith Chalmers. You can enjoy yourself, but not in a risky way, like jumping into a bath of cotton wool)

Possibly The Only Reason to watch The Avengers movie

6. Abu Dhabi (live in. Sterile, dull, inconvenient and expensive. Like marrying Scarlett Johansson then finding out she's taken a vow of chastity but has an uncontrollable shopping habit )
7. Iraq (rotational. Not as dangerous as you think and hence not as lucrative as it should be for somewhere that alot of people still want to kill you)
8. West Africa (live in if it's Ghana, Mozambique, you know, the nice bits where they still drink gin in the afternoon)
9. Any country ending in "stan" (rotational. Kate Adie would wear a flak jacket, the women are stunning and their male relatives vengeful)
10. SE Asia / Oceania (who cares, you've won the golden ticket!)

Interesting Times

edit: It has been pointed out this reads as a right depressing moan. Try reading it as it was written, with a pint of beer in hand and a big smile on your face.

I've never resigned from a job.  Apart from a paper round, the job in the garden centre, the one in the pizza restaurant, the one in the army barracks kitchens.... which weren't proper "career jobs" anyway.  But like most oil field trash, I've frequently handed in my notice and gone from one company to pastures new, believing that a change in the colour of my coveralls would bring a change in fortune and opportunities. Only then to find out that actually the colour is always brown and it's always stinky.

For reasons far too dull to go into, I tried to resign this week. The prospect of not having a job finally seeming to be far more attractive than remaining in the very secure and financially rewarding position that I currently occupy. It's not been an easy decision to make, but the breaking point was reached this week when I considered which challenge would I prefer :

Like beach volley ball whatever the outcome, it's win:win

a) all of those that I currently face on a 24/7 basis, with the guarantee of a huge increase on the horizon and no end in sight , ever ? Plus a nice salary.

b) wondering what to do next with my life ? No salary guaranteed.

As it happens, I'm in the very fortunate postion to have no dependents (Yay for testicular cancer and divorce! Form a queue ladies.) So apart from an addiction to expensive carbon bikes, my overheads are as low as my financial obligations.

I chose (b) and wondered which Hawaiian island I'd become a perv on.

Unfortunately my boss wouldn't accept (b) and wants more (a).

I'm not completely daft and like carbon fibre and nice watches, so now they have 10 weeks to find somewhere for me to go (or more likely 10 weeks to find some sucker  to take my place). I don't know if I'll be heading for more (a) in another predictably nasty oil field area or lots of (b) in the seedy sort of places the Lonely Planet tells you to avoid.

Either way will probably all end in tears, but at least no illegitimate love children. I really don't know what's going to happen and I'm really happy about it. Interesting times indeed.

Warning: either (a) or (b), I plan to visit UK to make a withdrawal from my wine account & Germany to invest in the local brewing economy in August.

Plagiarism

I don't mind shamelessly reposting this, I must use some of these in my appraisals:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity" 

"I would not allow this employee to breed" 

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be" 

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap" 

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet" 

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle" 

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy" 

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them" 

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot" 

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better" 

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together" 

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus" 

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless" 

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier" 

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime" 

"He's been working with glue too much" 

"He would argue with a signpost" 

"He has knack for making strangers immediately" 

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room" 

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell" 

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one" 

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens" 

"A prime candidate for natural deselection" 

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it" 

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming" 

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it" 

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week" 

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change" 

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean" 

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm" 

"One neuron short of a synapse" 

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled" 

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes" 

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

Big Hugs

I get a lot of CVs, unfortunately most are unsuitable and are a direct result of the government's Care In The Community programme.

This week I received an e mail, asking about work in our department:

Good morning my name is XXX am writing from Venezuela <<company>> supervisor III in <<dept>> with extensive experience in the control area of solids will be open the possibility to work with you? at the moment? a big hug greetings.

And that was it. So I replied and asked for his CV- after all, how could I resist ? A day or two later I got a reply and a CV (In Spanish).

Sir, Annex sent him good morning cv, which can transladarlo to the English I hope your help and willing to work with you as nesecite for activities to do, I have a valid passport but no visa greetings

I put alot of effort into finding good photos

I'm a bit too busy to translate CVs, so I replied that we employ people from many countries and that for safety reasons everyone has to speak good english. A few days later I got a reply, to round off my week with another hug:

Good morning thanks for your information that I defend myself with the English in drilling operations on oil rigs I work with English speaking staff anyway thank you very much and count on me for anything I wanted you to need me was the opportunity and the rest is for me a big hug from Venezuela Greetings

I don't think we'll be employing him, as I believe every conversation will be like talking to Yoda, but at least he's given us a wee smile in the office this week and we now all give each other Big Hug Greetings in our e mails, which is alot better than just 'Regards'. 

Fashion Police

I like working in an industry where people happily refer to themselves as "Oil field trash" and in countries where it doesn't matter what you wear to the office,  as just bothering to turn up already marks you as "high potential". Since I left Libya, in somewhat of a hurry, I've never bothered replacing things like trousers, my suit (never worn) or ties. I don't think I actually have a tie now. And I've got more pairs of Speedos (3) than work trousers (1 pair, never worn). So for the last year, I've been happily wearing jeans, a shirt and shoes that are more Futon than Chesterfield. Casually smart I like to think.

Soon to appear on a notice board in my office

But no more, the corporate fashion cops have decreed that we can no longer wear jeans (except on a Wednesday - our Friday), shirts must be "button down" and shoes, hard soled. We represent our company when we're in front of the company and are expected to dress at a level +1 to that of the customer. I wanted to point out that most drilling engineers are extremely badly dressed, except those whose mothers still do it for them. Jeans, trainers and a polo shirt bearing the logo of either a long forgotten drilling campaign or a golf club they once got taken to by a drill bit manufacturer, back in the good old days before Sarbanes-Oxley.

So it looks like I'm going to have to buy some trousers while I'm on vacation. That's not due to a trouser drought situation in Saudi, more to do with the fact if there's one thing I hate more than shopping for clothes, it's shopping for clothes in Saudi. At least in Thailand it will be cheaper and the person measuring my inside leg will be a lovely thai lady or a lady boy,  either is better than a sullen Saudi youth more interested in texting his mates than satisfying his customer.

Today was day one of the new regime, I tried a sneaky pair of black jeans to go with my shirt and shoes.
An e mail to all staff arrived mid morning, with a 'gentle reminder' that no jeans meant no jeans. Bugger.

Dog Food

To while away the hours on the turbo trainer, I started watching movies and tv with subtitles. This is mainly due to the fact that the turbo makes a lot of noise and also because I'm as deaf as a post.

I discovered a plethora of titles available in the i-Tunes "world cinema" section, this is like wandering around a foreign supermarket, picking up strange cans and hoping you aren't going to get dog food for dinner. I'm quickly becoming a connoisseur of the genre and not just the mucky stuff either or the martial arts pap. Having finished "Braquo" tonight, next up is a whole season of Danish crime caper "Those Who Kill", although at about 90 mins each that means an extra 15-20km of cycling.

Anyway, here's a top five of what I've been cycling too recently.

Ugly French Cops - but the bird has a nice bum

1. Braquo - ugly french cops kill bad guys, 8 x 45min episodes, perfect for 30km. Is it the bad guys or the good guys who wear black? It's everyone. They're all bad and lots of people get hurt. Plus a twist at the very end that nearly made me fall off the bike today. And there's a season 2. Awesome.

2. Troll Hunter - Norwegian students hunt 200ft Trolls in a Blair Witch style. A great comedy, played perfectly straight. Wait for Hollywood to remake it and ruin it with some nonsense about Big Foot being threatened by multinational companies destroying the environment. 

3. The Killing - 20 Episodes, perfect for 30-35km each. Kept me going through Winter and moved along slower than me. Gripping enough for me to get back on the bike and do another 30km, just to see what happened next.

4. Tell No One - French drama: Man's wife is killed, he's the main suspect. 8 yrs later she's back. Or is she ? (yes) And who knew Kristin Scott Thomas could speak french ? Hollywood will ruin this too, probably with Liam Neeson and Kristin Scott Thomas reprising her role.

5. The Silence - German drama: child murdered, killer never found. 13 years later. The killer's back. Or are they?  (yes). A good german movie that has nothing to do with the war, achtung!