A Sunday Top Five: 5 Times I've dislocated my shoulder

1. Falling on a half pipe on rollerblades, Aberdeen
2. Falling on a climbing wall, Chiang Mai
3. Falling down some steps, drill ship , Irian Jaya
4. Jumping off a dive boat roof into the sea, Koh Samui
5. Slipping on ice when drunk, Kazakhstan

*note: I'd not recommend Googling 'Shoulder Dislocation' if you're squeamish

Driving Miss Crazy

My driver's mum is on holiday. I know this because he has been late to work every day this week, despite the fact we bought him an alarm clock last year. We've tried fining him 5 dinar a day each time he's late, which when you're on 500LYD/month, can soon add up.

I don't ask much of him, there are just 3 rules:

1. Be in the office by 0930hrs

2. Never give me the car back with the out of fuel light on

3. Never let the windscreen washer bottle empty light come on

He has been my driver for 2 years and yet still can't manage these 3 things.  There's always an excuse, how yesterday he 'forgot' the fuel tank was empty between parking my car outside the office and walking about 200m to give me the keys. If he's late "there was traffic", "he couldn't get a taxi" or "the taxi driver drove slow" or "didn't have change" - "get  up earlier" and "carry change" are alien concepts, it is always someone else's fault. He almost ran into the back of a car that braked - "that car braked!", "No Bassim, you were so close to him I could have picked the couscous out of his moustache"

He has lived in Tripoli all of his life, yet I seem to know how to get around better than him. Despite the number of times he's taken me to my customers, I still have to give my instructions as:

To go to BP: " Goto the office by the chinese people"

To go to Petrocanada. " Goto the office that isn't the one by the chinese people"

To go to Sonatrach "Goto the office we went to last week, and you got lost and went to the coffee shop and got directions" - although after today I might be able to call them "the office by the coffee shop"

Thankfully I can walk to Oxy's office.

I don't actually need a driver and prefer to drive myself, but we need him to ferry Dear around and if I'm using the car I think I should make him work a bit, otherwise he'll just sit around the office looking at his feet.

He has driven Dear to violence, she has hit him at least twice and you would be surprised, nae shocked, at how she speaks to him. She's not proud of it and she admits he really brings out the worst in her.  I recommend pouring her a drink, get one for yourself - make it a large one, get a comfy chair and ask her about him. It's comedy gold!

We're going to let him go at the end of this month, he is being particularly bad and lazy right now, Dear lost it yesterday and told him to not bother coming back today. Yet it doesn't seem to sink into his head. He is 31-32, lives with his mum & sister and has got a pretty easy job working for us, in a country with a high level of unemployment. The only reason we've not looked for another driver, apart from him being a nice enough guy, is that we can trust him and he really looks out for Dear if she's out shopping. He might be as lecherous as most Libyan men, but Allah help any man who would be be lecherous towards Dear, his sister or his mum! It's a shame to let him go, however once Dear leaves, I don't need him. If he was  keen or showed some initiative then maybe I'd keep him on, but if after two years I need to call him at 10am to see when he'll be at the office, then I think I can see how I can save 250GBP/month. Plus - touch wood - he's had alot more accidents in my car than I have....

Car-Nage

The Crossroads by my house - traffic lights not working and no police present

The horrendous driving in Libya is a constant source of amusing/horror stories. Every day I have to go across a junction (from left to right above) on the way to work. The traffic lights no longer work, which is a good thing as you're better off knowing that no one will stop than assuming they will stop because a light is red. There is always a police car parked up, maybe it hasn't got an engine. Sometimes the police get out and try to direct the traffic, on those days the jams are really bad.  GoogleEarth shows it at a typically chaotic moment, but this natural law does work and is better than the two controlled alternatives.

For true traffic fans it's at: Lat: 32°47'41.99"N , Long:  13° 1'24.32"E

Taking the Mickey

Insert Employer's Name Here ANNOUNCES THIRD QUARTER 2010 RESULTS

 October  2010  Employer's Name (NYSE: E.N) today reported that for the third quarter ended September 30, 2010 it earned net income of $404 million, 

So why can't we get have some money to buy printer cartridges ? I need to print a proposal out for a customer but no one in the office has ink.

A resourceful person would nip out to the shops, buy the ink and claim it on expenses.

They would then be an out of pocket person, because I'm still waiting to get June, July & August's expenses paid. So now Bank of Ed is open for deposits only.

Multi million dollar, multinational corporation or Mickey Mouse Club ?

Sunday Top Five: Hardest physical challenges so far

'Tis a mere speedbump!

1. Col De Derriere - Libya, Summer 2010:  A 90km ride with a slight climb in 40 deg heat. Reality didn't match Google Earth, meaning a 30km ride back with about 1/4 of a water bottle. Me & my cycling buddy collapsed in our cars, unable to speak and only capable of sipping water without vomiting. Fun!


2. Un-named training ride - Libya, Summer 2009: A 180km solo ride on the flat, again 40 deg C. Despite over 1 litre of water per hour and taking salt tablets, I got severe cramps in both legs with 25km left to go. It was only when my boss called on my mobile that I found out my throat was so parched, I'd lost my voice. My legs were twitching all afternoon once I got home.

Knockburn Oly

3. Knockburn Olympic distance triathlon - Aberdeen, Summer 2008: 1500m swim, 40km bike but as soon as I put on my running shoes to begin the 10km run, an old injury came back and my calf exploded. The run is a hilly on/off road course. It hurt. Alot.


4. Edinburgh University Sprint Triathlon - Edinburgh, March 2008:  750m swim in the pool, then run outside in wet clothing & barefoot. It was snowing. 20km bike in the wind & snow, then a 5km run. I couldn't feel my feet at all on the run. It took a long, hot shower to recover. I love this race as a season starter.

5. Challenge Barcelona - Ironman distance triathlon, Barcelona October 2008: Amazing swim, apart from having to be lifted out of the sea as both legs cramped as I tried to stand up. But I found the 180km bike ride so dull I began to think about things like why not give Pandas alcopops to get them drunk enough to mate ? The 40km run was tough when they ran out of coke (for sugar and caffeine) and again, the run route was so boring.  This was mentally the hardest thing I've done. Yet....

T.E.A.M.

"Together Everyone Achieves More" say the motivational posters. Teamwork is essential for success and the loner is the loser.

I like to tell people that I'm a team player, although I make sure the sarcasm is impossible to miss. It's also fairly obvious from my favoured out of work activities that I prefer to do things on my own. Although if questioned in a job interview I would point out that I have raced as the runner in a team triathlon and that our victory was due to the combined efforts of all team members giving it their all. And it wasn't just because there were no other teams entered in our division.

At work I prefer to work alone then I don't have to rely on other people, wait for them or correct their mistakes. In sport I like to push myself, improve on my own performance and have the freedom to do what I want. If all else fails, I blame my dislike of team sports on my parents!

This week the boss decided that something needed to be done to try and boost the flagging morale of the workers in the office and in our warehouse. It's easy to knock his efforts but at least he is trying to address some of the issues we have here and I'm 100% for it, as long as I don't have to be actively involved.

My reaction had already been predicted by him and his co conspirator and my protestations that I was a "lone wolf", "an independent operator" or simply that "I hated that kind of sh*t" and was going to be "busy that afternoon" fell on deaf ears. The prospect of seeing me forced to participate in some crappy team event with a bunch of guys from the workshop who I never have the need to deal with or ever see was clearly too appealing to them. They had me cornered and on the ropes. But the best form of defence is attack, and inspired by a bottle of white wine, I came up with a plan  that was nothing short of genius. I wouldn't run from this challenge, I would embrace it in a big boozy hug and make it mine.

There will be a team building event, with randomly picked teams competing for a prize over a series of challenges that will involve a combination of speed, strength, logic, languages and of course teamwork. It will be held at a series of locations, culminating in a BBQ where everyone can socialise and me & Andy can get drunk. However this was my idea and I'm the only one who has experience of organising anything like this. I sold it to the boss by saying that organising something like this required as much team work as participating, but not to worry as I'd take charge. I'll knock up a proposal and budget this weekend, close the sale on Sunday and then work out ways to make my puppets dance for me. 

I'm actually looking forwards to it now, I just hope my boss isn't sat at home, rubbing his hands together and thinking "hook, line & sinker...."

Dogma

I've had two tough decisions to make this week:

1) My boss asked me if I'd like to be "Sales Manager". It's in quotes as I believe it wouldn't be an official job, recognised by HR, it's just a job title he'd give me, along with 80% of his  work load, a hell of a lot more responsibility and equal amounts of stress. In return, I might get my own office, but I'd get no more salary. Or I can keep on doing the boring job I do now, with next to no stress, for the same money. Whilst I admire his new found enthusiasm for trying to motivate his staff, I can't believe he'd think I'm that gullible. No wonder there's a mass exodus from the company right now.

2)The Dog. You've seen the pictures, it's a puppy. It's cute etc.... And I've wanted a dog for ages, but never had the right house for one. I didn't even have to go out and choose one, this one was delivered free to my door. But I've no idea where I'm going to be living in the next year. If it's Libya, the U.S or Australia then great I could keep the dog, if  it 's Balikpapan then I couldn't.  I don't want to be in the position where having a dog controls my job options or have to give it away in 6 months time when we've both become attached to each other. Better to let it go now so it can have a decent home with people who're a bit more settled.

Fortunately, we have an English couple coming today to take him. I wasn't going to let him go to a Muslim family, at least not Libyans, they have no idea how to treat animals. I guess ours was lucky to be dumped near to us, he got some food, a bath, a trip to the vets and a cuddly toy.  In return he's made me realise I want my own dog and that if I can have one at my next location I'll try to take one from a shelter. That'd give me 3-4 years before moving again and having to work out how to take it with me next time.