Saturday, 29 January 2011

A Sunday Top Five: 5 Careers sadly not pursued

1. 'Glamour' photographer - as much travel and as many hot women as the other jobs, but without the risks

* I spent many hours, many very happy hours, looking at photos to put here. It's amazing what Google Images offers for 'glamour photography', especially when you set the 'safe search' option to off. I can't post anything suitable, but the results confirmed why this is #1.

2. Motorbike racer - So much cooler than F1 drivers, although spending 75% of the year in a motorhome is a bit pikey

3. Fighter pilot - I met a guy once who flew Tornadoes, I wanted to ask him, "If that's your day job, what the hell do you do for fun ?"

4. Rock guitarist - Playing like Angus Young, without looking like him

160m Down and 'Bunny Ears' is still funny

5. Commercial Saturation Diver - big money, crazy lifestyle, deep water and huge risks

** It goes without saying that being ' Mr Kylie Minogue'  isn't a recognised career.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

A Sunday Top Five : Expat Drinks in Libya

The Top Five Drinks as served by me, the bar man, at Friday night's party:

1. Gin & Tonic (Winner by a ratio of at least 3:1)
2. Mojito
3. Vodka & Cranberry juice
4. Red wine
5. Vodka & Tonic

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

Toilet Humour

There is often speculation amongst expats as to why Libyans drive so fast and so dangerously. Why are they in such a hurry to go somewhere and do nothing ? All they seem to be doing is standing around, smoking, chatting to their buddies and drinking awful coffee out of small paper cups on street corners. Today, I may have found the answer.

I was just beginning my drive home tonight when I got a sense of an impending eruption from within. Although my office was closer, it would have required a lot of faffing with U-turns and traffic jams. I decided to make a run for it - in the mornings  my commute is about 20-25 mins, in the evenings it can be 25-30 mins.This evening I think I recorded a sub 15 minute trip. I am ashamed to say I used every trick I've learned in my 2.5yrs of driving here. Undertaking, overtaking, driving in the middle to block others, tail gating, cutting people up, being (seemingly) oblivious to all other road users. The only difference between me and the other nutters on the road was at least I was using my mirrors before swerving erratically to gain a 1m advantage on the other road abusers. With much relief, I made it back home and won't have to have the car fumigated.

Tomorrow I promise to balance the road karma and let people pull out in front of me, not beep the horn at traffic lights 2 secs before red turns to green, not exchange cultural hand signals with the taxi tail gating me at 120kph and I will let pedestrians across the road. As long as they don't dawdle.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

A Sunday Top Five: 5 Dinner Guests (Living)

1. Chrissie Wellington (MBE): Women's world record holder for Ironman racing, beats most pro male atheletes too. No ego, does alot for worthy causes, always smiles and likes beer, wine & pizza. Great speaker & alot of fun.

2. Michael Porter: The Harvard Business School professor & the godfather of competitive strategy, he's my geeky hero. If he says something, it's fact.

3. Sir Ranulph Fiennes: His autobiography, "Mad, bad & dangerous to know" sums him up. A true legend, a captivating story teller. Mad as a box of frogs and a Great Briton. I bet he drinks Gin.

4. Kylie Minogue: Because someone's got to make breakfast. 

5. Jimmy Carr: You've got to have a bit of humour at the dinner table. Ross Noble would talk too much and require too much attention. J.C can do a joke in 3 words:
"Stationary shop moves" or 2 words "Dwarf shortage". A comedy historian.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

A Sunday Top Five: Things that wee sh*te of a dog has eaten or tried to eat

1. The nice plant by the front door - destroyed completely
2. Dear's socks  - saved many times before they were taken outside
3. My flip flop - caught him as he couldn't fit it through the gap in the door
4. Dear's slippers - caught as the slipper hit the frame
5. The date trees - well and truly stripped around the base

Sunday, 2 January 2011

A Sunday Top Five: Cracker Jokes

1. What has four legs and goes Boo ?
A cow with a cold

2. What do you call a man who's scared of Christmas ?
Noel Coward

3. How many crime writers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Only one, but he has to give it a really good twist at the end

4. Did you hear about the constipated accountant ?
He couldn't budget

5. Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
Because all proper tea is theft